Things I Wish Others Understood About Introverts Like Me

Because I'm a high school teacher, people often assume that I'm a "people person" who loves--no, thrives on--social interaction. What magnifies this expectation even more is that I teach the Bible. I'm a Christian and a minister of sorts. How could I be anything other than an extrovert? Well, I'm not. On the temperament spectrum from introvert to extrovert, I'm solidly on the introvert side. Extended social interactions leave me exhausted and used up. Family reunions, Christmas parties, weddings, and parent-teacher conferences can be disorienting for me. That's not to say that I don't value such events and occasions, but, like a feat of major physical exertion, I require a bit of preparation for them.

What is an introvert?

The source of the "solidarity fist."

All people need to recharge and reorient themselves from time to time, but not everyone does this the same way. Those on the introvert side of the spectrum collect themselves by being alone with their thoughts. Introverts are disoriented by too much social stimulation. The problem is not necessarily people, as much as it is external stimuli. Introverts are easily overwhelmed by stimuli, including human stimuli. As children, introverts were the kids who "overreacted" to noises and sudden changes in the environment.

Extroverts, on the other hand, are energized by social interactions and stimuli. They crave the stimuli. Famous extroverts, like President Bill Clinton, become emboldened lions as social events go on. Introverts like myself, however, become run down and will often need to find an early escape.

It's no secret that the U.S. social structure is one that favors extroverts. They're the go-getters, the bold, the courageous, and the movers. They are people persons. In my experience, the church and Christian ministry is not much different. Though there are signs that this is beginning to change, introverts are misunderstood and undervalued. It has weighed on my quiet mind for some time that I'm often misundestood; therefore, I have composed a list of things that I wish others understood about introverts like me.

1. I'm not passive. I don't often "take the lead" because doing such a thing usually requires a great deal of social stamina, which I don't possess. I sometimes envy extroverts for this. But, this should not be interpreted as passivity. Doing such a thing on a regular basis is simply not an ability that I have. What I can do well is focus intensely on a project. Also, if given space, I can put my mind to solving problems. Introverts are loyal team players. I don't mean to say that introverts are incapable of leadership, but, when they do lead, it is quieter kind of leadership. For a discussion of such leadership, check out the Forbes.com article "Introverts No Longer the Quiet Followers of Extroverts" by Karl Moore.
2. I'm not shy. My lack of words and social interaction is not about anxiety, fear, or self-consciousness. I just don't want to say anything. Excessive shyness, I think, is something of self-centered malfunction. Quietness, on the other hand, can be a virtue. On the outside, to an extrovert, these may be indistinguishable. The difference, on the inside, is that I'm very confident in who I am. Confident introverts don't feel self-conscious in social settings; they feel run down.
3. I deeply value a small number of relationships. There are only a few people in this world that I consider to be close friends, and these relationships run deep and last a lifetime. I've shared my deepest feelings and anxieties with these people, and they really know me. If I have only a few good friends, I don't feel compelled to establish new and intimate bonds. For this reason, I don't have what would be considered an "active" social life.
4. I'm a good listener. Because I'm not saying a lot, I have time to listen to others. In my experience as a teacher, introverted students don't say much in class. They may even be doodling, but they are listening and enjoying it. Even as an introvert, I'm still amazed when my quietest students come to me at the end of the school year and genuinely express to me how much they liked my class. "But, I didn't think you cared at all," I think. I'm the same way. I could sit in a small group of people and just listen to them discuss something for hours. One thing I've learned that I need to do better is to give physical or verbal cues (feedback) to speakers to show them that my mind is engaged and that I appreciate their work. Introversion is no excuse for being rude to a speaker.
5. I hate parties but would love to get coffee with you.  Actually, I don't drink coffee, but "going out for coffee" makes more sense than "going out for a Pepsi." I'm energized by deep and intimate conversation with people I know. As long as I haven't had some kind of social function every other night of the week, I'd love an invitation to get a bite to eat with you.
6. I need space. When I'm asked to go out for some social function and I am already feeling depleted, I often feel compelled to make up some excuse. "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I already have plans." or "I'm not feeling well." Lying is neither moral nor healthy for a relation, so I've learned to just be more honest. "No, I think I'm just going to stay in tonight. But thank you for inviting me." It's not you; it's me (really, this time).
7. I'm an effective teacher in a setting in which I really know my audience. I've been a teacher for ten years, and I think I'm good at it in my setting. When I get the privilege of teaching the same students for several years in a row as I do now, I can excel. This is because I develop close bonds with them. I really like and love my students; therefore, I develop a good rapport with them. This does not mean, however, that I'll be as effective or comfortable when you ask me to come in and teach your small group, preach at your church, or lead faculty devotions.
8. You need introverts in your ministry. Introverts are good disciple makers. While leading the masses will quickly burn out an introvert, they thrive in a discipleship environment, both as the teacher and the learner. Introverts bring a lot to the table when it comes to interpersonal communication. They listen well, think deeply for prolonged periods of time, and they develop deep, lasting relationships.

Although a spectrum does not allow for always-neat categories, a number of famous people have clearly been identified as either introverts or extroverts. Famous extroverts include: Bill Clinton, John F. Kennedy,  George W. Bush, Steve Jobs, and Winston Churchill. Famous introverts include: Bill Gates, Larry Page, Barack Obama, Albert Einstein, Warren Buffet, Gandhi, Steven Spielberg, Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt.

An exhortation to fellow introverted Christians

While it is spiritually healthy to accept that God has designed us to work the way we do, it is also necessary for us to practice self-sacrifice. Modeling the self-sacrifice of Jesus often means absorbing discomfort and alienation for the well being of another. I'm uncomfortable in groups and with strangers, but I still have to hold it together for the Gospel. I obviously can't make disciples of the nations if I'm unwilling to be vulnerable and uncomfortable. Don't let your introversion be an excuse for disobedience.

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Time Magazine published an excellent article on introverts ("The Upside of Being an Introvert" by Bryan Walsh) in February 2012.

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Devotional: My Beautiful Daughter and A Christ Identity

Everyday I hold my daughter in my arms, I look her in the eyes, and I tell her that she is beautiful--that God made her with big beautiful cheeks and beautiful squinty eyes. God designed her magnificently like the master artist that he is. Now, my daughter is much more than her beauty, and I don't want her to be defined by her beauty. But, do you know why I tell her this every day?

I tell her everyday, because she is different than the vast majority of kids around her. She is Korean. My wife and I adopted her, and she now lives her life in the mostly-white American South. I know that, one day, she will come home from school broken-hearted, because someone has made a joke about her Asian features. They will laugh at her narrow squinty eyes and her supple cheeks. That is why I tell her that she has beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks. I tell her that, because I believe she is beautiful, but also to protect her--that the schoolyard insults won't crush her, that they won't make her question her identity, that they will not shatter her self-image, that she will not grow to despise her beautiful eyes and cheeks.

I want her to be so secure in her father's love and approval that the condemnation of other kids will not crush her. For now, until she meets Christ, I hold her identity secure. Her identity is protected by the two people on this earth who love her more than anyone--her parents.

Who holds your identity?

Like the mean, insecure kids on playgrounds across the world, there is one (the ultimate bully) who would love to tear you down. He would love to make fun of you, to make you question your value, to convince you that you are worthless. His name is Satan, and he has a host of bullies working for him, those wretched beings who were cast with Lucifer from the splendor of God's presence and have committed themselves to destroying God's good work in the cosmos and in believers.

Satan is full of such hate, animosity, and vengeance that he "prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) Unlike the bullies on the playground, however, he has the gift of being able to make you think his accusations are your own--his whispers so quiet (and yet so clear) that you think that they are your own thoughts. He devours us with thoughts that lead to depression, self-hatred, self-loathing, legalism, and feelings of general worthlessness. He consumes our joy with worry and our confidence with self-consciousness. He destroys us with mind games.

I protect my daughter's thoughts and self-image from bullies. Who protects us from the accusations of Satan?

The love of a father

Like my daughter, when we seek refuge from the lies and accusations of Satan, we must return to our Father who loves us--the Father who says our features are perfect. He is the Father who protects our identity in the palm of his mighty hand.

I tell my daughter that she is beautiful. What does God say about his children?

• We are chosen. (Eph. 1:4, 11)
• We are created and recreated masterfully in his image. (Gen. 1:27; 1 Cor. 15:49)
• We are his beloved children. (John 1:12; Rom. 8:15-16; 1 John 3:1)
• We are justified no matter what we do. (Gal. 2:16)
• We have become Christ. (2 Cor. 5:21; Rom. 4:25)
• We are secure. (Rom. 8:31-38)
• We will have new bodies. (1 Cor. 15:42-49)
• We are conquerors over death. (1 Cor. 15:22, 26)
• We are conquerors over Satan and his fellow accusers. (Rom. 8:37; Rom. 16:20)
• We are defended by Jesus. (Rom. 8:34)
• We are princes and princesses, heirs to a royal inheritance. (Rom. 8:15; Eph. 1:11)
• We are fully justified (declared completely innocent). (Acts 13:39; Rom. 5:1, 18; Rom. 8:33; Gal. 2:16; Eph. 1:4)

Christ as our advocate

Paul reminded the Roman Christians (Rom 8:31-39) that Jesus stands before the Father and pleads our case, interceding on our behalf. This means that, from a Trinitarian perspective, God is both our judge and our defender. The case is rigged in our favor. We can't lose!

³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? ³³ Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 What is bothering you?

Whatever is bothering you, bringing you down, or causing you stress, put it in proper perspective. Renew your mind by keeping an eternal perspective. Someday you will have dwelled in the "eternal weight of glory" for 10,000 years with an eternity more to go, and the problems of this life will seem a distant memory of a "light and momentary affliction." (2 Cor. 4:17)

In light of your perfect security in Christ, how big do your problems seem? You are beautiful. You are complete. You are loved.