10 Things You Shouldn't Say To Adoptive Parents

The Mooney family on vacation

My wife and I (both white) are the proud parents of two beautiful Korean children, so our family is  bi-racial. We're not only bi-racial, but we live in Arkansas--a state not exactly known for its cosmopolitan embrace of diversity and culture. When we go into public, we understandably draw attention, but we also inevitably draw stupid/inappropriate comments and questions. Below is my list of the top 10 things you shouldn't say to adoptive parents--especially in the case of obvious trans-racial adoptions like ours.

All of these statements have been made to me and/or my wife in one form or another. I'm also including our responses. Whether we actually said them or just thought them can be your guess.

1. "Is his/her dad Korean (or insert the applicable race)?" (spoken to April when she was alone with the kids) 
• "As a matter of fact, he is!" 
• Because it is not the business of a stranger asking, we usually just say "yes" and keep on moving, because, yes, our children's biological fathers are Korean. We don't feel obligated to go into an explanation for strangers.
2. "Did ya'll have them babies?" (no kidding. I couldn't make this up. It happened at Taco Bell.)
• There are no words for this. But, I would like to know if the milk man is Korean.
3. "Can't you have your own children?" or "Did you adopt because you can't have children?" (I've only been asked this by strangers.)
• "This is none of your business." 
• This is a profoundly personal question, and, if it is the case that a couple can't have biological children, it can be a deeply hurtful question. Adoption should never be thought of as a back-up plan. While infertility may have prompted families to consider adoption, adoptive parents never think of their adopted children as secondary in any way. In fact, they soon don't even think of them as their adopted children. They are just their children.
4. "Do you plan to have any real children?"
• "Nope. We're plenty happy with these plastic ones."
5. "Are they brother and sister?" (My children are not biologically related.)
• "Yes. Yes they are." 
• I get the spirit of the question. They want to know if the adopted children are biologically related to one another. If you must ask it, that is how you should ask it--"Are your children biologically related?" Just to be on the safe side; however, just don't ask. This is one of those questions in a gray area. For many families, it may be too personal to tell a stranger. As a side note, people frequently ask me if my children are twins. They are 18 months apart and not even related. They ask because the kids "look just alike." No, they don't look alike, my white friend. From an Asian perspective my children look as much alike as Justin Beiber and Mick Jagger.
6. "We're about to get us one of them." (In this case, an excited soon-to-be adoptive grandmother said it.)
• "Really? I hope you used a coupon!" 
• They are human beings and should never be spoken of as a commodity. My children are not like chihuahuas that you can keep in your purse. They are human beings, made in God's image, who need love, affection, and a family just like every other human being on earth.
7. "Are you going to tell them they're adopted?"

• In my case, this question isn't even dignified with a response. However, in the case of same-race adoptions (especially if the children actually resemble the adoptive parents), it is not an appropriate question. In today's adoption culture, the vast majority of parents are open about the adoption. It is just a fact that the children will grow up with and never know any differently. If it is the very rare situation that the parent actually does plan to keep it a secret, they certainly will not want to tell you.
8. "I bet they cost a lot." or "How much did you pay for your kids?"
• I have no funny response to this. It is just flatly inappropriate, both in wording and content. First, it is illegal and immoral to buy a human being. You are not buying a human being; you are paying for the adoption services. There are many legal safeguards in place to protect both children and families. While I think the system is oversized, bloated, and infested with a plague of bureaucrats, some kind of system is necessary to protect everyone involved, and systems don't run without money. Except in the case that you are sincerely asking a close friend because you are considering adoption yourself, this question is never ever appropriate.
  
9. "Why didn't their parents keep them?" 

• Just don't. If you ask me this and my children are near enough to hear you, Ima take you out back and get all up in your Kool-Aid.
10. "Why didn't you adopt a white baby?"
• "If multiple races are good enough for God's beautiful creation, they're good enough for my family." 
• Human babies need families--not just the babies of one particular race. While there are legitimate concerns about a child's self identity and psychological development in a multi-racial family, we have been trained in such details. We go to great lengths to keep our children connected to their home culture. The alternative is a life in foster care and/or an orphanage.

So you don't become overly paranoid and awkwardly avoid the obvious (like I do with pregnant women), I'm including a list of things that are totally appropriate to say or ask. Remember, compliments help.

1. "How long have you had your beautiful child(ren)? 
• "Thank you very much. Our son came home three years ago, and our daughter, six months ago." 
2. "What was it like the day you met your children for the first time?" 
• Because adoptive parents usually weren't there for the birth of their children, some celebrate what they call "gotcha day." It's a day as significant as the birth, because it is the day the child came home to their "forever family."
3. "I'm very interested to hear about the adoption process some time." 
• Most adoptive parents I know (including us) do like to talk about adoption within appropriate parameters IF we can tell that the person genuinely wants to understand and doesn't just want to be nosy. Asking us this way allows us to set the boundaries that we're comfortable with. It also doesn't put us on the spot in, say, the checkout line at Wal-Mart. (A disproportionate number of inappropriate comments take place at Wal-Mart.)
4. "Where are your precious children from?" 
• "They are from South Korea." 
• Don't try to guess by looking. There are many countries that are currently open to international adoption (i.e. Korea, China, Thailand, Ethiopia, Russia, etc...), so adoptive children could be from any part of the world. I completely understand that most Americans can't distinguish Koreans from Chinese from Thais from Japanese. Don't guess. Just ask. And, don't feel bad. I've been to Korea twice. They think I look just like every white actor they've ever seen--especially Conan O'Brian.

I love to talk about adoption. Adoption is a beautiful thing and the best picture of the Gospel there is. We are all spiritual orphans, because we have been separated from our Father by our sin. And, yet, thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, God willfully adopts us into his family. All of God's children, with the exception of Jesus himself, are adopted.

So please feel free to ask me about adoption, but do it within the etiquette I've provided above. If you come to me because you are genuinely considering the adoption process yourself, I'm going to be very open with you, because I want to encourage you to do it.

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I encourage adoptive families who have other unacceptable or acceptable questions/statements to leave them as comments below.